


Sillage

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Grief, I am a terrible person, Pain, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 05:16:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16804351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: Y/N needs sometime to figure out how to live again





	Sillage

After the world had gone back to normal, you had left. You hadn’t said anything to anyone or given any indication where you were going. Partly because you didn’t want anyone to come after you, but also because you had no clue where you were going.

You couldn’t stay at the Tower, or even in New York. No matter where you went, you saw him. There would be a smell or a sound that would make a memory play through your mind. A memory that felt so real and current, you sometimes, for a second, thought he was still here with you. Every time you’d realize he wasn’t, and you’d have to fight back the tears.

You couldn’t go to Washington, back to your family. This was where the two of you had met and your life together had begun. You knew T’Challa would have welcomed you with open arms had you asked, but Wakanda also held too many memories of the man you had lost.

So you had gone to Europe, traveling the continent but not really taken it in. It was as if the world had lost all its colors and wonder along with Steve. He was gone and so was your happiness. It felt as if a part of your heart had been ripped from your chest, and you had no idea how to move on, or even how to begin to put yourself back together. All you knew was that you had too. Steve was gone, but you had to keep living. For him.

You had lost count of how many countries you had breezed through without really taking them in, but it was on a dock in Romania that Bucky Barnes found you. You had no idea how he had managed to track you down, but you weren’t really all that surprised. A part of you had always known he would be the one to find you in the end.

He didn’t speak. He didn’t even look right at you. He just sat down next to you, staring out onto the stormy sea with you. He didn’t have to say anything. Bucky wasn’t a man of many words, and it wasn’t like anything he could say would take away the void inside you or that the little life growing inside you would never know his father. He sat there with you for what felt like hours, sharing your loss with you, and somehow it felt as if the weight on your shoulders began lifting a little.

Your heart still ached, and your entire body screamed for Steve to come back to you with every breath you took, but Bucky understood. Many people had loved Steve. Many people mourned him, but if anyone had loved him as much as you, he was sitting right beside you. Somehow you felt a little closer to Steve just by Bucky being here, and for the first time since his death, you allowed the tears you had fought so hard to keep at bay to fall from your eyes and down your cheeks.

Bucky didn’t speak. He just wrapped you in his arms, shielding you from the world and sharing your pain with you as you cried. You stayed in his arms until you felt as if you had cried your eyes dry.

You pulled back slightly, looking into the blue worried eyes staring into your own. His eyes spoke a million words without him having to say anything. He was saying he knew how you felt and that he felt it too. He was asking if you were okay, but he also knew the answer, so you were glad the concern was wordless.

“How long?” Bucky finally spoke, breaking eye contact with you, letting his eyes quickly fall to your swollen belly before finding yours again.

“7 months,” you answered, drying your eyes and suddenly a pang of guilt hit you. The little boy inside you wasn’t only your sole remaining connection to Steve. he was Bucky’s too. Steve would have wanted his son to grow up knowing the man he considered a brother. He wouldn’t have wanted you to keep the child from him. You hadn’t tried too. You just hadn’t thought about anything but getting away from the place where Steve’s presence lingered all around you like sillage.

“Bucky, I’m sorry I didn’t…” you started, but Bucky just shook his head, giving you a weak smile.

“It’s okay. I understand. I couldn’t stay there either. What I don’t understand is of all places, why here?” Bucky tilted his head in wonder looking at you and you couldn’t help but smile.

“I met Steve in Washington a few months before…” Your words trailed out, not really sure how to refer to what had happened back then. It hadn’t been Bucky, but it still kinda was.

“Before the Soldier tried to kill him,” Bucky finished for you without winching, but the pain in his eyes spoke volumes of how much those memories still affected him.

“That,” you nodded, giving Bucky’s arm a small squeeze to let him know, just like Steve had never blamed him for anything that had happened while he hadn’t been in control of his own mind and body, you didn’t either. You never had, and you never would.

“We liked each other, but something was holding him back. He came here to find you a few years later. We were still close then, but nothing had ever happened. Not until he came back. I think he saw you trying to rebuild your life, fighting to get it back, and he finally gave himself permission to do the same. I am not really sure. I wasn’t here but…” Your words trailed out.

You knew something important had happened to Steve here, so it felt special. You had never been here, so there weren’t ghosts chasing you around every corner. It had felt like the perfect place to start to rebuild yourself. You never planned to stay here forever, but for now, this was where you needed to be.

“Okay. So we’ll stay for a while,” Bucky broke through your thoughts, and you looked up at him in surprise.

“Bucky. You don’t have too… You don’t owe us or Steve anything,” you assured him.

“That’s not really true, Y/N, but that’s not the reason. Not the entire reason anyway.” Sadness filled his eyes as he continued. “Unless you want me to leave. I’ll understand if…”

You quickly reached out, taking his hand in yours.

“No, Bucky. I’d never ask you to leave. Baby James could use an uncle,” you smiled softly, watching Bucky’s eyes widen in surprise.

“It was his last wish I guess. Steve was so happy when I told him, and he asked if it was a girl we could name her Sarah and if it was a boy….” You stopped suddenly. You swallowed harshly as you saw the tears stream down Bucky’s cheeks.

“James…” Bucky swallowed, and all of a sudden you worried it was too much. It had been Steve’s wish, but he wasn’t here anymore, and maybe this was all too much on Bucky.

“I can… I mean, if you don’t want me to name him that…” You fought back your tears. You hadn’t realized how important this had been too you. It had been the last and even one of the few things Steve had ever directly asked of you. It felt wrong not to follow it.

Bucky shook his head, calming your mind as he pulled you in for a quick hug.

“No. It’s fine, Y/N. I can’t believe he said that. Punk,” Bucky mumbled and all of a sudden, you couldn’t help but laugh. Bucky looked at you as if you had lost your mind for a few seconds before joining in himself.

Finally, your laughter died out, and both of you went back to staring out over the ocean. Your heart was still screaming for Steve to come back to you, but logically you knew he couldn’t and never would. A little piece of him would live on in your son and in your heart and in Bucky’s. Steve might not be here, but it was his love and devotion to his friend that made you feel safe again. A part of you had always worried about your son. You had no way of knowing if he would be born enhanced thanks to the serum in Steve’s blood. If he did, you knew he would be a wanted commodity for HYDRA. You had feared in your own abilities to keep him safe, but not anymore. You knew that Bucky would never let anything happen to either you or Steve’s child. You knew that Steve’s legacy would live on in James, and both you and Bucky would make sure he knew just what an amazing man his father had been. Steve wasn’t gone. Not really. His love lingered all around you.


End file.
